Redeeming The Rake (Delicate Hearts Book 3) Page 4

  Chapter Six

  Guilt continued to plague Caroline in the week that followed her last visit to the prison. The guilt did not originate from her refusal to forgive the man, for he did not deserve that pardon. Rather, it was because her responsibility was to look after him, and in that duty she had failed. When he had told her his name, fear had coursed through her body, just as it had the night he had pressed his lips to hers. She had been terrified, and she wondered if the man would have thrown her onto the bed and forced himself upon her to make up for not doing so that night four years ago.

  He is a vile man, she thought as she stirred the stew that simmered in a pot over the open fire. She cared not that he was not a murderer; the fact was, he was in prison, and no man landed himself in such a place for his good deeds. No, he had ignored her advice and made his own path. A path that led to his ruin.

  His punishment was well-deserved as far as she was concerned, for the man had no idea of the troubles he had caused in her life. It was his fault she had been forced to live in the streets, forced to starve most days, and forced to fight off men much like him from taking what was not theirs—her body.

  Yet, each time she tried to find joy concerning his current situation, she found none.

  “So, you will marry me?”

  Caroline turned to stare at Doctor Brown, who had returned two hours earlier from his travels. “Marry you?” she asked in utter surprise.

  The man chuckled as he shook his head. “I believed for the last few minutes your thoughts may have wandered away, so I thought I’d ask for your hand in marriage. Apparently, that commands your attention.”

  Caroline gaped at him for a moment longer before she realized he was teasing her.

  “What is wrong?” he asked kindly.

  She took a seat at the small table across from the doctor. “It’s nothing,” she replied, though she was unable to look the man in the face. “I’m glad you have returned.”

  “I do not doubt you are happy about that,” Doctor Brown said, “but I also do not believe you are happy otherwise. Would you like to speak about whatever is bothering you?”

  Caroline wanted nothing more than to tell the man what had transpired in his absence, but she could not get herself to do so regardless of how invaluable his wisdom would have been given the situation. Then an idea came to her.

  “There is a man at Walnut Lane Prison who was injured,” she explained. “I have been attending him. He was beaten by several other prisoners, and although he sustained massive bruising, he had no broken bones.”

  “That is fortunate. Then he is on his way to recovery.”

  “Yes,” she replied. “However, you see, I do not wish to return to check on him.” She reached for the wine glass the doctor had poured for her earlier. “Would you have time to do so?”

  “Do you doubt your own competence in your aid to the man?”

  “Not at all,” Caroline replied.

  “Is it the prison that makes you anxious? I would not blame you if that were the case.”

  Caroline could not get herself to lie to the man, and she shook her head. “No.”

  Doctor Brown raised a single brow. “I see. A figure from the past who had hurt you in some way?”

  Caroline nodded and felt tears well up in her eyes. “He is the one who threw me out to the streets four years ago. It was because of him that I slept in alleyways and under stairs as I feared for my life. That first year, I thought I would not survive.” She could not stop the tears from rolling down her face as her anger thickened within her. “He had the nerve to apologize to me, to ask for my forgiveness! How can I forgive such a man?” She realized she had shouted the last words with a harshness that she had not intended. “I’m sorry, Doctor.”

  “No need to apologize. May I share a story that may shed light on your situation?”

  Caroline nodded. “Please.”

  “Many years ago, I was in love with a woman. Her name does not matter, but another man was able to woo her away from me.”

  “I do not care for this man,” Caroline interjected. “He was, and still is, a rake.”

  “That may be,” Doctor Brown said, “but that has no bearing on this story.” He gave her a kind smile, and she sat back in her chair as he continued. “For years, I held anger against that man, and I wanted so much to seek revenge against him. Then that day came.”

  Caroline found her hand trembling as she reached for her wine glass once more. Did all the men she knew end up killing someone else?

  “I was in my office when a man was brought in who had fallen from his horse. As it turned out, he was the same man who had stolen the woman I loved. The man clung to every last breath, and I, one from whom he stole, was the only one who could save him. So, I did.” The doctor stood and walked over to look out the window that faced the main street. “It was during the process of healing his wounds that I saved him and once he was able, I allowed him to leave. And in doing so, I, too, was healed.”

  Rising from her chair, Caroline joined the doctor at the window. “I do not understand. How were you healed?”

  “By tending to his wounds and showing mercy to a man I did not believe deserved it, I came to realize that the injury inside me—that of hate and jealousy—had become so great, I had become sick in my mind and heart.” He turned to Caroline and smiled. “This man has done you wrong, brought pain that many may not understand.”

  Caroline nodded as her tears fell.

  Doctor Brown sighed. “I will not make you return to him,” he said. “However, his wounds, like yours, may rest inside his soul. Perhaps by healing his wounds, you may heal your own.”

  She wiped her eyes and gave the old doctor a hug. “I will consider it,” she whispered. “The fact is, it hurts. The pain, even after all these years, is fresh, like a wound that never was able to heal and has reopened once more.”

  “Fate had the man who stole my love brought to me at his weakest moment. It seems fate has done the same for you.”

  Caroline nodded. Was William deserving of her forgiveness? She was uncertain, but what Doctor Brown said was right. The pain of what he had done was still fresh, and the woman needed healing. Yet, could the man who had created that hurt be the very man she needed to take it away?

  ***

  Later that night, Caroline sat in a chair beside the fireplace, a glass of wine in her hand, and thought about what had brought her to this moment. Doctor Brown had been correct; the wound inside of her was deep, and it caused her a particular disillusion when it came to how she saw men. Or how she viewed life in general, for that matter. Her anger, her fear, her pain, she had redirected into helping others, and in the process, she had forgotten to help herself.

  William was a rake and a murderer, or at least he had played some part in the taking of another person’s life. If he had been completely innocent, he would not have been imprisoned. However, whereas she had fallen, much like a man falling from a horse, William had fallen harder. Much harder.

  The man had been stripped of any dignity he once had possessed, if he had possessed any dignity. Why had her mention of his good deeds made him so angry that night so long ago? He had denied what she had seen with her own eyes, but he refused to allow acknowledgment. Yet, now he lay in a tiny cell not even fit for an animal, his body so much like her soul—bruised and in need of healing. Try as she might, she could not bring herself to forgive the man. He did not deserve forgiveness. What he deserved was death….

  Caroline gave a start. Never in her life had she ever wished death upon any person. What kind of woman was she to wish another dead? Were not such thoughts as evil as murder itself? What was it about her anger toward this man that turned her into nothing better than an animal?

  Walking over to the window, she looked out upon one of the many streets of London, now left empty, the residents having gone to sleep for the night. Then she considered the words Doctor Brown had spoken concerning fate. If it were not for William, she would have never m
et the doctor. Nor would she be in a position to care for so many people as they had over the last few years. Mothers crying for their sick children, men worrying about their wives, children weeping for their mothers. Most, if not all, of these people left her with smiles when she could help and words of thanks when her help did little but bring comfort to the dying.

  Regardless of the outcome, their thanks and well-wishes brought peace to her heart. Perhaps fate had played a role in the night she was thrown out of Applefield Estates, for in that pain, she had learned to survive.

  Taking the final drink of her wine, Caroline thought again about her own pain. In truth, she could not go on living in the past. Preparations had to be made for the future now that Doctor Brown was retiring.

  She closed her eyes and came to a decision. She would accept the apology William had given her. Then she would be able to check on his wounds one more time and hopefully never see him again. If she did that, the wounds inside her would finally be healed, and then perhaps the ones he carried would, as well.

  Chapter Seven

  Despite her resolution to return to the prison and give aid to the man she had hated for so long, upon arrival, Caroline stood staring at the drab building wondering if she would not be better off leaving. Perhaps the wine had influenced her thinking, or her emotions over the story Doctor Brown had told had made her blind to the truth. Regardless, it was too late to turn back once Andrew stepped out to greet her at the door.

  “I’ll bring a bowl of hot water and rags again,” he said as he led her down the dark hallways.

  “Thank you,” Caroline replied, though she wanted to tell him to return her to the entrance so she could be on her way. Had she not done enough for him?

  “You know, you don’t have to keep tending him,” Andrew said with a glance over his shoulder. “He’ll live now; that’s all that really mattered.”

  Caroline considered his words. What he said was right. She had saved the man’s life, and that had been her only task. However, by the time she arrived at the cell in which William was kept, it was too late to turn back. The man sat on the edge of his cot, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

  “I will tend to him now,” she said as she entered the cell. The strong odor of mold did not come as a shock, not with the dampness that surrounded her.

  William looked up. “I did not think you would return,” he said. “I’m thankful that you did.”

  Taking a deep breath, Caroline held it for a moment before letting it out. “It is my duty to care for those who need help,” she said, glad for the evenness of her voice. “That is the only reason I returned.”

  The swelling around his eyes was gone, but the bruising remained. Those eyes, which had once held such anger now held something else. Pain? Sorrow? She looked away, for she did not care to know what it was. She had a job to do, so she would do it and that was all. The rest did not matter.

  William stood, and Caroline took an instinctive step back.

  “I will not hurt you,” he said in a quiet tone. “I have done the movements you showed me.” He then proceeded to twist his upper body first to the left and then the right. He indeed could twist further than he had before. “I can also reach my arms into the air.” He raised his arms and stretched, drawing the muscles on his torso tight. When he lowered his arms, he added, “Thank you.”

  “Here’s the water,” Andrew said as he entered the cell. He placed a bowl and a batch of clean rags on the stool. “I couldn’t get hot water this time, though.” He looked at William with disgust and then left the two of them alone.

  “Allow me to check your ribs,” Caroline said. She would do the inspection of his wounds and leave. If the man chose to apologize, she would tell him it was accepted, but only for his sake. She did not need his apologies.

  She pressed against his side. “No pain?”

  “None,” he said as she probed. The swelling on his side, like his face, had all but disappeared, the brown and yellows of healing bruises left in its place. Then she reached up and inspected around his eyes.

  “You have not had any problems seeing, have you?” she asked. He shook his head, and she looked at his chest to inspect one of the open wounds. “This will soon be infected if it is not cared for properly. Do you not wash it?”

  “I’m afraid I do not have access to soap,” he replied. “I’m no better than an animal here. We get to wash once a fortnight, but the remainder of the time we are given cold water only for washing up.”

  Though she did everything in her power to fight it, sorrow for the man came to her heart. It was an effort for her mind to break through and interject it. This man hurt you, her mind reasoned. Yet, despite that reminder, she could feel nothing but pity for him. No man deserved to be treated like an animal.

  “I will clean it before I leave,” she said. She went to her bag and produced a small jar of ointment. Dipping a clean rag into the water Andrew had brought her, she washed his chest. At one point, she glanced up and was surprised to see his eyes closed and his face in a grimace. It was no wonder; the wound was deeper than she had first thought. The swelling had hidden how bad it truly was.

  “This may sting,” she whispered as she dabbed some of the ointment onto the wounds. “This will be the last time you see me. You are on the mend and will not require my assistance any longer.”

  He nodded. “The night I forced you from my home?” he said in a low voice. “It was the worst night of my life.”

  Caroline had to bite her lip to keep from frowning as she worked with the ointment. Memories of that night returned as if they had happened only the night before. “I highly doubt that,” she said. The day you came here would have been the worst, I suspect.”

  “No. It was that night. That evening, I looked out my window, and I was sorry for my treatment of you. I was filled with such regret.”

  She gave a derisive sniff. “Yet, not enough regret to go in search of me,” she said, walking over to the basin to rinse her hands.

  “Because I was a coward,” he replied. “I was a gentleman in my own eyes, but not one in practice. I never stopped thinking of you.”

  Caroline spun around, her skirts hitting the legs of the stool, anger in her heart and tension in her jaw. “That night, I slept beneath a tree as the rain soaked me. You cannot even begin to understand what I had to endure!” She took a small step toward him. “You say you thought of me? Well, I thought of you, to be sure. Many nights I thought of how you wanting to bed me led me to sleep beneath stairs and in alleyways. How I had to beg for food, and how I wondered if I would survive the night.” She did not want to give this man the benefit of seeing her weep, but she could not stop the tears from coming. “And in those thoughts, I hated you.” The last words came out as a hiss, and it occurred to her how foolish she must sound. How could she have allowed her emotions to best her?

  “I’m truly sorry,” he whispered. “Not for me being in here, nor for everything I lost. I’m sorry for my treatment of you. For having no heart, and for the life you had to live.” He shook his head as he sat on the edge of the cot and dropped his head into his hands once again. “You were right that night when you told me that I was better. I did not want to believe it, nor did I wish to hear it. However, those words have comforted me many dark nights.” When he raised his head, Caroline was surprised to see his eyes were rimmed in red. “I do not know if I will ever redeem myself. Perhaps fate will decide that for me. If you believe me to be a monster, I cannot fault you.” He pulled himself up to stand again and took the single step to stand before her. “However, if you believe there is one small part of me with some decency, believe I am sorry for what I did.”

  Caroline closed her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. She wanted to tell this man the stories of her life after he had thrown her out, to make him suffer as she had. However, the words Doctor Brown had spoken came to her heart, and she opened her eyes to look up at the man who had thrown her away like a piece of rubbish.
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br />   “You are forgiven,” she whispered, and this time as she said the words, she felt a release throughout her body. Her jaw, her shoulders, every part of her body somehow released the chains of hurt that had bound her all these years. Doctor Brown was right; in the act of healing William, she had found a way to heal herself.

  “Thank you,” William said.

  He returned to the cot as she returned the jar of ointment to her bag. At the door to the cell, she stopped and turned back to him.

  “William.”

  “Yes?”

  “You are not a monster.” And with that, she hurried down the hallway and out of the prison.

  As she walked back to the office, she had the strange sensation as though her feet were walking upon the softest down known to man. Her mind and heart were light, and the world around her somehow seemed brighter than when she had entered the prison.

  And in all those thoughts and feelings, she came to think of William not with anger and resentment. Now when she thought of him, she wore a smile. It was small, but it was a smile, nonetheless.

  ***

  Despite her declaration that she would not return to check in on William, Caroline went back to the prison a week later only to learn that he had been released. As she made her way to the office, she contemplated why she would have returned in the first place. Since their last meeting, and against her will, he had appeared in her thoughts often, and she could not think of any reasonable explanation for it. A part of her wanted to scold herself for allowing any thoughts of that man to enter her mind at all, but then forgiveness—and a need to move on from her past—kept her from doing so.

  She sent up a silent prayer for the man to find the redemption he so desperately sought. She knew little of the situation that had sent him to prison, but from what she had learned, he was found in a room with a prostitute who had been murdered. How he found himself there, she did not know, but the fact he was a well-known rake did not escape her notice, nor the notice of those who whispered the stories to her. Yet, she recalled the kindness she had seen in him long ago and wondered if the rumors were untrue.